cobraVSmongoose

My dad died two weeks ago.  After all of these years, all of these struggles, all of these conflicts, all of these fears, fights, anticipatory moments…he’s just gone one day.  No grand finale.  No big dramatic ending.  Nothing shocking.  Just gone.  I was there.  I said everything I could say.  I was there.  And yet I’m left with a hallowed feeling. With something I didn’t expect.  And I’m not sure what it is or when I will realize what will come of this.  Is that it? Do I learn a great lesson? Do I stop making the same mistakes? Do I walk away a different woman? A woman left without a father, a provider, a protector.  I feel extremely vulnerable. Is this the moment that I want to surround my life with only those that make me feel safe?  Does this make me see the hurtful people who surround me from time to time?  Does this moment make me want to protect my son even more than I already do?   I tend to feel nothing at this moment.  I cry when I catch things throughout their house, but he hasn’t lived here in awhile.  I cry when I think of older memories, but the most recent ones are in the hospital and ones you don’t want to remember.  I cry mostly when I think of Elliot not knowing him, but I didn’t know mine and I am ok.  Am I supposed to have a great epiphany about life?  Am I supposed to weep openly in front of family and friends, and neighbors and old business partners? Am I supposed to show that I am sad?  I just don’t know what I am supposed to be doing or feeling or taking from all of this.  At this moment I miss him, simple as that.  I just miss my dad.